Neighbours the story continues

Continuation …

Flat #3 After the first blissful year in our lovely Tokyo mansion, we found by chance (we had to phone up about damage to our room due to an earthquake) that our contract wasn’t renewed for the second year and had to move out of our hamster box into another hamster box a few streets away. It was the same Uber company that owned the place called Leopalace 21 http://www.eg.leopalace21.com/service.html . Anyway I digress, the second place we moved into was on the bottom floor and yes again mega small. This time for our neighbours we had to the left of us Mr Male Host, who would get around with freakishly large spikey hair, an oversized black suit and drown himself in aftershave. He would often bring back young giggling girls from his nights out in the town and they would generally giggle all bloody night.

Above us we had a couple whom we never actually saw at all, but made up wild and fantastical stories about them. We wouldn’t actually hear anything except an almighty thud coming from the room above every so often. The G-man and I came to the conclusion that it was a midget man and his torso of a girlfriend who lived upstairs, and due to the fact that she had no legs, she would have fall from the loft onto a nice soft cushion below, because she couldn’t climb the stairs. Don’t know how she got back up right enough. Maybe the midget man had a hoist of some kind and would winch her back up when they needed to sleep or whatever else they did. It makes sense doesn't it?

Finally we had the Fucking Idiot that lived across from us who would, on a daily basis put their bike so close to our door that when you opened it you inevitably knocked their bike, along with our bikes in a domino effect over. Eventually we ended up picking up their bike one night and placing it somewhere down the street.

After 2 years of living in Tokyo, we moved on to Bonnie Scotland where we ended up living in a very beautiful part of the country on the West Coast of Scotland but completely in the middle of no where. Ok maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but having been in Tokyo and then moving to a semi-rural area was a a big culture shock along the lines of "What do you mean there isn't a Starbucks, no 7/11 or beer vending machines? What there is a bus every 4 hours into town? G-man where the hell are we!!" After the initial culture shock we settled in and moved into Flat #4.

Flat#4 was a cold, mould invested little cottage that stunk of old people. We have a multitude of varying neighbours in the 2 years that we lived there but the ones that stuck in our mind were the Washing Machine Fucker Uppers. As we lived at a self catering B&B/hotel we had to use the communal washing and drying machines out the back, not a problem can cope with that, however this one neighbour was continually breaking the washing machine. Pulling the handle off, stuffing powder into the liquid section and generally leaving it a complete mess. I mean how friggin hard is it to use a washing machine, it wasn't one of those Star Trek contraptions, it was a cheap arse, we've only bothered to put 5 different cycles on here because you are such a tight arse washing machine - so I ask you how friggin hard is it?

Obviously it is really hard, I mean really, really hard. They couldn't even understand my hand drawn poster which I stuck onto the machine to show them which compartment was for their powder and which compartment was for their liquid - didn't work though. So everytime I would do a load of washing (which was a hassle because I would have to venture out into the wild and cold weather just to wash my knickers) I would end up having to scoop handfuls of mouldy, slimey, smelly and generally vomit enducing shit from the detergent trays - every bloody time. Ok so this isn't strictly freaky behaviour but it is never the less bloody well annoying.

Bare with me, I am nearly at the end of my story.

Finally we get to Flat#5 - the apartment that we now own in the centre of the bustling town of Oban (keeping my anonimity in this post is difficult). We live on the first floor of the apartment block, there are only two apartments thankfully. When we first moved in, we met the family above us (husband, wife 2 children) and they seemed rather nice. That was until the sun set (actually I added that bit in for dramatic effect, in actual fact it didn't matter what time it was) the woman upstairs turned into a banshee. I have never heard anyone yell like that before in my entire life, and I come from and ethnic family so I know all about yelling. The lungs on this woman, woooo weeeee and the language, it even made me blush. She would scream and scream and scream until we think she popped a vein. One night she was going on such a bender, and we knew the husband wasn't there so she was yelling at her kids, that the G-man and I were tempted to go up there and see if everything was ok. Alas we didn't, we were too frightened of her - a truly big Scottish lass that you didn't want to mess with. The odd thing was, when she would see us in the street she would talk in an inaudiable whisper, acting all shy and sweet - as if we couldn't hear her? An absolute nut job, the frightening thing was that the poor boy had to go to hospital all the time, on a weekly basis. We think the poor child's nerves had packed up on him.

Now we have new neighbours as the previous ones sold their apartment. It is being rented out now by two children! Well that is what they look like to us, you can tell we are getting older (I refuse to use the word old) because they look like babies and we have come to the conclusion that they are some strange hybrid vampires that can walk about in daylight because they never ever sleep. I mean never, it doesn't matter if I get up at 2, 3 or 4 am in the morning they are trotting about upstairs, talking watching TV and going in and out of the apartment! How is that possible, don't they need to sleep? God knows I bloody well do! The other strange thing about them is this one time, I sent the G-man upstairs to tell them that the bins had to go out that night. I hear a bit of muffled speech and when the G-man came back inside he has a really strange look on his face.

Me: what's up with you?
G-man: huh? oh I think our neighbours are weird?
Me: Shock horror, why?
G-man : well I went up to let them know that the bin had to go out tonight and well she refused to open the door and talk to me
Me: what?
G-man: she said what? who is it? what do you want? who's there? so I said it's ***** from downstairs, umm just wanted to let you know the bins are to go out tonight, then she said I can't open the door! My boyfriend has the keys and he has locked me in the apartment.
Me: WHAT? I don't get it. What did you say?
G-man: Well I said - oh .... ok .... ummm and then she said i'll tell my boyfriend when he gets home and then I just backed away from the door and came back here.
Me: is she ok? did you ask if she was ok? do you think she has been kidnappped or abused?
G-man: well, I don't know but it's weird don't you think?
Me: *silently thinking back over all the strange neighbours we've had* I suppose, what do you fancy for dinner?

So there you have it. We are freak magnets, I wonder what freaky neighbours are out there waiting for us?

****sorry for any spelling/gramatical mistakes I'm writing this during my lunch break OMG is that the time - shite*****