Aggro Weekend

This weekend has been really strange, a bad vibe going around and some serious aggro happening. I know why this is the case. It all started Friday around 5pm when all I did was email off a simple question and it started a barrage of bullying and arguments from the directors of the company. One simple little question and I was made to feel as though I had just asked "why is the sky blue?" Obviously I am so think that they needed to explain to me in child like language why we weren't going to send out a letter advising that we were intending to increase our prices, I thought it was just common courtesy to do so. How silly of me.

From that it also spiralled into a session of virtual mutual masturbation about how good they all are, how much smarter they are than Company X and how we shit all over them blah blah blah blah blah - this is when I start to revert to the "Whateva" and "Am I Bovvered" attitude which probably isn't the best way to be, but I was starting to feel sick with all the wanking going on.

Having feeling totally shitted off about this, I went home. Only to find that my husband had a meeting with his boss about pay rise, promotion etc. The outcome ... ... ... if you work over 100 hours by doing this and this and that a week we may think about giving you a pay rise, but you have to prove yourself. As you can imagine, he was not a happy bunny about this, as he already works 70 odd hours a week working his guts out and for what? This meant that Friday night we were not happy at all, so we had a couple of drinks and tootled off to Homebase (home and hardware store in the UK) to buy a few things and see if our order had been collected from another store. Guess what? It hadn't the manger forgot about it and has to go pick up this week - right it isn't like we are working to a tight fucking schedule here (my parents are coming to visit us - they arrive on the 10th of September we still have no sofa bed, no dining table - that is another story it has been on order for a month now).

So we thought, Fuck It! let's meet up with some mates and have a few - didn't really work because we were still bloody stressed and pissed off to enjoy ourselves - damn my brain never shutting off bastard of thing.

Saturday, we worked like crazy people ( I can say that as I am officially crazy) on the hallway, paining the skirting boards with the first coat and generally working our arses off all day to get the place looking decent. Amongst all this, there were arguments going on like you can't believe. The G-man and I were picking on each other for bloody well every little thing - was not a fun experience. The only laugh we had was when we stopped to watch The X-Factor.

Sunday got up nice and early, The G-man went off to work and I started work again on the place and general domestic stuff. It was nice, I was singing my lungs out (take that you little shit brat upstairs who thinks you can sing like Whitney at 3am in the morning) I know I can't sing but I just don't give a shit anymore little fucking brat.

The G-man gets back from work at about 2ish we decide to put the new curtain rods up in the lounge room, again arguments ensued and we were yelling and shouting at each other like a couple of banshees. After putting one curtain rod up, we were took fucked off to do anything else so we thought we would watch The Matrix: Reloaded - to chill out a bit. During the movie I got a bit peckish as you do, I thought shall I open those Maltesers or maybe I should have a bowl of muesli instead it is healthier. Went for the healthy option, and then after one mouthful CRACK! What the Fuck ! I cracked my back molar in fucking two didn't I. Oooooh yeah that's right take the fucking healthy option and that is what you get for your troubles stupid bitch bastard fucker bitch and more expletives. I should of just gone with the Maltesers, oh cruel irony!

So there I am panicking like a mother fucker, crying, in pain and stressed because the nearest dentist is fucking 2.5 hours away. Oh yeah, that's right you heard me, the local dentist in our area isn't taking new patients, even for emergencies - you son of a bitch.

I calmed down after a few stiff drinks and some ibuprofen, thought this is ok. I will call the dentist Monday and sort something out, it's ok. Went to sleep at about 10pm a reasonable hour I think considering we had to get up at 6:45am the next morning and then from 11pm onwards that little shit head upstairs was making noise all night / morning. I was so pissed off I was even imagining her being run over by a bus, is that a bad thing? I don't understand all day they are quiet as mice, on the weekend nothing not a peep and then during the week she decides to do the fucking vacuuming at 12pm, sing her lungs out, and make a fucking noise until her boyfriend comes home and then they sit up and talk until 6am and then I fall asleep and 20 seconds later the alarm goes off.

So as you can imagine I am in a really brilliant mood today, I mean really great mood. Tonight when I get home from work I plan to have a little chat with her, and if that doesn't work then I will call their landlord. I don't want to sound like a complaining old neighbour, I mean I don't care if she sings her lungs out during the day, runs about and whatever, but for fucks sake when it comes to normal sleeping time give me a break. Maybe I am being too harsh what do you think?

Dwarf + Vacuum Cleaner = hilarity

I just had to bring everyone's attention to this little gem of a story that I have only just found on News.com.au. I couldn't stop laughing when I read it.


A DWARF performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act was for him to appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member with a special apparatus.

The attachment broke before the performance and Mr Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and ... hospitalisation.

"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A&E with a vacuum attached to me," Mr Blackner said.

"I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived."

Now for some strange reason, I would have paid to have seen that show. Poor thing, could you imagine the horror as you realise that you have just glued your cock to something? Puts a new new spin on doing the hoovering doesn't it?

How to make people feel completely worthless on TV

I am not a fan of reality TV, unless it's those wacky, crazy Japanese TV shows where they run around an obstacle course for the ultimate prize of "Crazy Obstacle Course Champion 2007", but I really have a major problem with the TV shows that parade people with obvious emotional, psychological and severe weight problems as some sort of freak that needs to be verbally abused and ridiculed on national television.

At the moment there are a few TV shows like that in the UK, one in particular made me feel ashamed to be a human being. It's called "Three Fat Brides, One Thin Dress" and is hosted by none other than the Wicked Witch of the West herself ... Gillian MacKeith. If you have never heard of Gillian before, she is a self-proclaimed nutritional guru who bought her degree off the internet. Apparently she has no official qualifications to back up the rubbish that she spouts to people on her shows, but seeing as her husband is a top UK lawyer, anyone who says anything gets a court order slapped on them!

In this show, she takes three obese women who are preparing for their 'special' day and berates them on national TV. As if preparing for a wedding isn't bloody stressful enough, they now have to have some ferret faced cow telling them how fat they are - like they don't already feel terrible about themselves !

The three women are paraded around in their under ware, just in case we didn't realise they were overweight and to humiliate them even more, whilst Gillian tells them that they need to hire a tent as a wedding dress instead of trying to squeeze into that one right now. Nice one Gillian, how about I bitch slap you right here right now?

The premise of the show is that three overweight brides to be have eight weeks to slim down and fit into their dream wedding dress, or fail miserably and feel shit about themselves for the rest of their lives. Yeah I can see why this would appeal to the masses of people sitting on their couches stuffing crisps into their gobs.

My question is, why would you put yourself through such a harrowing ordeal? I could think of nothing worse that being stripped down to my under ware on national TV, God going to the beach was bad enough for me.

My other question is, why should we take advice from a woman who wears this?

That is so not a good look, I don't care if you are Kate Moss there is no way you could pull that off.

These shows demonstrate not only the completely skewed obsession with weight, but also the strange social phenomenon where society feels that it is ok to treat people with weight problems as social lepers, berating them for lacking the willpower not to eat that extra chocolate bar, or have take out food for dinner everynight.

TV shows such as these are so one dimensional, and totally ignore other mitigating factors for people's weight problems. How many people who live below or on the poverty line can afford to buy purely organic vegetables, and free range chickens? It is probably cheaper for them to go down to the local chip shop and buy their dinner - hell I can't afford to go all tree hugger when I am doing my grocery shopping. Besides that, there are the multitude of emotional, and psychological problems that go a long with people who over eat.

I am no expert on the matter, but why do we feel it is acceptable to do this to people who are obese and yet on the other hand we are sympathetic to people who suffer from anorexia or bulimia? We don't stand there judging these people for their unhealthy obsession with food and blame them for their lack of will power?

What do you think?