Loving the hospital flirt

I am typing this blog entry like a monkey with a gimpy arm - a pretty site I assure you.

I had to go to hospital on Monday to have some day surgery, the surgeon who had a good ol' feel of my tit a couple of weeks ago noticed some moles on my back and said he wasn't happy about how they looked. I said 'hey mate they don't think much of you either' ... no I lie, I didn't say anything besides 'oh ... ... ok so you want to cut them out? umm ok sure' as you do when you are told that the moles on your back are potentially malignant little bastards. So anyway, went into hospital at 9am, hung around with old people with strange growths on their faces and necks (yikes! tried not to look but you can't help it) and then got walked into the theatre waiting area, where the nurses proceeded to prod and poke at my back, told me to strip my top off and put this gowny thing on. No worries mate, done ! Not panicking at all - what is that loud thumping sound in my chest ?

After sitting there for an eternity, the surgeon comes out, yells out to the other surgeon to get me 'prepped' and this hot young surgeon walks through the swing doors and comes my way (all done in slow motion by the way). He walks up to me, by this time I am thinking Oh my god, does my breath stink, and my hair, would you look at my hair I look like a tardo in this gowny thing and my TITS are just hanging here under this thin veil ! Oh my god !

He comes up to me and introduces himself to me, I sit bolt upright, clasping my top to prevent it from falling off and shake his hands and then something strange happened. He introduced himself again, emphasising his first name and we had this eye lock thing happen - it felt like it lasted for friggin ever. Meanwhile the nurse is standing there with the needle staring at us, so I do this stupid smile and say 'ha so i suppose you want to jab me?' WHAT ? WHAT did I just say?? What a dick !

I can't believe I actually said that, what the hell was I thinking?

Anyway fast forward to the cutty outty bit of the operation ... ... so while he is swabbing my back and half way down my right tit, he is making all these jokes, I suppose it was to relax me, he got the moles out and then after he had finished stitching me up and I was being cleaned by the nurses he says to me 'I hope to see you around here again .. soon' to which I replied 'ah yeah'

What the hell does that mean? umm no actually I don't wish to be in hospital again being cut open .. ... ... although if it is by a really hot surgeon you just never know do you, let me just check if there are any other moles that I could get cut out !

I Am The Stripping Queen !

Yep it is official, I am now the Stripping Queen
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Wallpaper stripping right enough !

For the past 3 days I have been stood in the lounge room with a big fuck off steamer, a scraper and my pussy watching me from the cat tree stripping wallpaper. Does life get any better than this? Surely not, it can't because I think I would faint from the dizzying excitement.

I challenge, CHALLENGE anyone to tell me that wallpaper is a good idea, it is a bitch to put on and it is a fucker to take off, especially if the lazy bastards who owned the place before you couldn't be arsed taking it off and just painted over it ! ARSEHOLES.

However, there is a plus side to this. It gives me ample time to:

1.Sing loudly to myself over the 'pfffffffffffffssssssssssshhhhhhhhhfffffffft' of the steamer - song of choice right now - 'Beyoncee Beyonceeee, Shakira Shakira' Ok people we get what their names are for fuck's sake. (This is all done while I do a stupid dance at the same time - too stupid at this time to describe).

2. Drink strange and foreign beer bought from my favourite shop Lidl.

3. Compare peeling wallpaper off to the time when you got badly burnt, to almost a crisp one summer and wads of skin would peel off, and you did this with some strange satisfaction.

4. Talk to the cat as if it is a real person, while the G-man keeps shouting from the kitchen or where ever 'what? what did you say? are you talking to me?'

5. Get sticky wet wallpaper bits stuck to bits of me without actually knowing how I have done this.

All in all a facinating and insightful experience.

Cops and Robbers

Ahhhh brilliant.

This was a stunt pulled off by a couple of students in Middlesborough during a military parade.
Well done lads !

My Flap

I ripped my flap off ... ... well that sounds bad doesn't it?

What actually happened is this. Last week I was making a loverly dinner (of course) and whilst I was being mega careful with the very new and very very sharp knives that we had just bought I neglected to worry about the new vegetable peeler that we bought. Bah, veggie peeler what can it do to me BESIDES PEEL THROUGH AN INCH THICK LAYER OF SKIN ON MY FRIGGIN THUMB ! I did the obligatory pain dance in the kitchen whilst looking for a band aid.

Ok so I dealt with that, and so then I had this massive flap of skin on the side of my thumb, that would constantly flap back and forth causing the gaping wound to bleed profusely whenever I forgot to put a band aid on it noice, I even managed to shove my flap into the G-man's face only to have him reel away in disgust.

Anyway, the other night we went into the supermarket to get a few things (alcohol & frozen pizza) the G-man and I went to grab the same bag of half price doughnuts off the shelve and his talon of a fingernail lodged into my thumb and proceeded to rip off the flap of skin with such force that I froze in white pain then said at the top of my lungs:

"You ripped my flap off spazztard, now look at the blood everywhere, my flap look at it !!"

There was total silence, the woman next to us dropped her eggs and in another aisle somewhere a young child started to cry. We went up to the checkout, paid for our stuff and walked out of the shop I was still muttering "you ripped my flap of man, look at it" to which the G-man replied "will you shut up about your bloody flap, it's not like I cut your thumb off now lets hurry up and get the hell outta here"

Only Stupid People Are Breeding

I swear it is true, that only stupid people are breeding, with the exception of a few i.e my friends of course! But in general it has to be true. I am so fucking tired that it is unbelievable, I mean words can not begin to describe how utterly tired I actually am, thus the reason for me writing this instead of doing my work. Plus it is a public holiday here and it feels as though I am the only stupid wanker at work today!

So, after a relaxing day of choosing what colour schemes we wanted, furniture, kitchens and flat screen TV's in our apartment (excitement levels rising) the G-Man and I thought we would go for a brief walk around the block then settle in to a nice night of reading - very civilised I know. Ok, so we ran out of alcohol and couldn't be rat arsed walking down to the supermarket to buy anything as we had spent all our precious cold coins on Saturday drinking cider.

It got to about 11pm, the people in the apartment above us had finally stopped screaming at the top of their lungs (thankfully they are selling their apartment), and I fell asleep while reading my book, in what was a very attractive position with my head hung back and to the side with apparently a little of bit dribble making its way down my chin. I do not believe this for one instant and said to my man that I needed photographic evidence of this anyway this is besides the point, the next thing I know I am awoken out of my slumber by BANG BANG ...... BANG BANG ........ BANG BANG BANG ......BANG.

'Fucking hell, what is that?' I murmured trying desperately not to fully slide out of sleep.

'Dunno, surely it isn't them upstairs is it?'

'Could be, they might be having sex ....' I shudder at the thought and had images of sex romps from the movie My SuperExgirlfriend.

Although it was annoying, we somehow fell back asleep but then .... then the power saw started!

'Fuck Me!' I sat bolt upright in bed - 'that is definitely not coming from upstairs surely, what are they doing renovating at this time of the night/morning? It's fucking 2am in the morning for Christ's sake!'

We sat there, still and with our ears pricked. We turned and looked at each other:

'It's coming from the shop underneath us!'

'That's it, I'm going down and giving them whats for!'

The G-Man rolls out of bed (remember we only have a mattress at this stage) and violently pulls his jeans and jumper on, grabs his keys and storms out the door. At this stage, I am wondering what the hell has just happened, and the cat rolls over to make my other leg fall asleep and get pins and needles.

There was some murmuring, and then the noise stopped. After what felt like an eternity, the G-Man comes back in.

'So ... what happened then?'

'It is those fuckers in the take away shop on the other side, you know near the stairs? Well I tapped on the window and there were these two faces staring back at me, power tools in hand with their slack jaws hanging open. I said to them " You do realise that there are people in this apartment building and we are trying to sleep?" They said nothing, and just continued to stare at me. Then one of them says "Oh are we making too much noise?" So I said to them "You could say that, yes" and walked away.'

'Oh. Seems to have worked then.'

Are we making too much noise? ARE WE MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE? No you fucking imbeciles you are quiet as fucking door mice, but we just felt like coming downstairs at 2am in the morning to have a friendly chat and check out what kind of wood you are using for those stupid fucking shelves you are putting up!

Idiots!

So beware stupid people if you ring me today, I am in a much more foul mood than usual....

All grown up

Well it has finally happened, we are all grown up now. It has only taken how many bloody years? Anyway yesterday we moved into our apartment, our very own place how cool is that and slightly scary, yet cool none the less. So all we have to do now is furnish the place, easy right? Not when you live in the back arse of beyond. We have to wait 2 weeks before our bedroom suite arrives, until then we have

1. mattress on floor
2. fridge
3. hoover
4. cooker
5. microwave

Once we have paid for the bedroom stuff we have to wait until the next pay day to get other stuff - but don't worry we have an ample supply of alcohol in the house, and an emergency fund for necessities such as booze. We are spitting distance to pubs and take out joints, don't worry my junk food and alcohol GPS has already mapped out where we can and no doubt will frequent.